Do my eyes deceive?

He knows how to hop off before he hits the curb? He makes turns?? He knows how to turn around and go the other way? What? Huh?

See it with your own eyes.

Alternative lifestyles

The kids HAVE BEEN GETTING ALONG for almost 48 hours! There have been a few skirmishes but they have been minor and short-lived compared to the past several months. Is the warm, sunny weather the cause? Or could it be because that they "married theirch-other" in a ceremony in the hallway this morning and they've decided to make it last?

A peek of sunshine

Holy cow, it felt good to run in the sun this morning! But by the time the kids were done with school, errands, lunch, and chores, and we were all ready to head outside for some bike riding, the sun had disappeared. We still had a nice time pretending it was the middle of summer.

Pay no attention to the evil snow behind me.



My ears are starting to get a little numb.



Cheeks officially chapped.

Do you like the hats?

Gary had a head code yesterday so my friend Jenny and I served as birthday wranglers while Gary accepted camera duties:



Do you think this was an accident?

PS: My scientology dreams have come true. You're all invited over for auditing this weekend.

Birthday party with a Star Wars theme

These are the cupcakes for the birthday party:



I'm trying hard not to eat some for breakfast but I'm feeling a strong pull to The Dark Side.

Notice the cooperation between siblings that always seems to go with activities that involve frosting:

Jim Gaffigan was a no show.

Do I need to tell you that he couldn't make it to the birthday bash last weekend? Luckily for my guests I had not told anyone that he had been invited. That way there was no huge disappointment in his absence.

It would have been so cool to have a famous comedian make an appearance at our 6 year-old's birthday.

Anyway, some day when I have a minute I will tell you all about the awesomely ridiculous birthday gifts I have bestowed on my husband. He should have his guard up for number 45. I'm just sayin'...

Waiting on a friend

Watching girls go passing by
It ain’t the latest thing
I’m just standing in a doorway
I’m just trying to make some sense
Out of these girls go passing by
The tales they tell of men
I’m not waiting on a lady
I’m just waiting on a friend

Peggy's playdate is late. This will come as a surprise to a lot of my readers but Peggy happens to be a big, BIG Rolling Stones fan. It's true.

All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten

The best part of the kindergarten conference is finding out how things discussed at home are conveyed to the teacher at school.

Two clarifications:

1. As far as we know, we are not related to any King of Sweden.

and

2. Although Mr. B. has been collecting change in a large popcorn tin for many years it probably does not contain $7000.

Among other things we need, we need a new water heater. I thought maybe the dog made the wet spot in the basement but it didn't smell like pee to me so I figured the kids dumped a cup of water on the floor. Two weeks later the wet spot is still there and -- aha! -- the fault lies with the 700 year-old water heater. It appears to have been leaking out of the rusty bottom for awhile.

I called our go-to handyman and he said he was finishing up a project and could maybe fix it mid-week.

When something's broken in our house (or on the verge of breaking) I have a limited ability to stay calm and be patient about it. I would really rather things never, ever break in our house. I would be much happier.

When I'm feeling anxious about something like an almost broken water heater what I like to do is drink more coffee than usual. So, yesterday I brewed up pot numero dos of Dunn Brothers Columbia Roast and pondered my situation. I looked up "water heater installation" online and thought to myself, Really. How hard can it be?

It's not rocket science, is it?

I hopped in the Honda and headed to Home Depot. I was ready to install myself a new water heater.

Problem 1: Large box. Very heavy.
Problem 2: Honda minivan too short.
Problem 3: The coffee was wearing off.

God bless him, our handyman called to tell me that he found a way to finish up the other project so he could get to us today.



He's good.

That's gonna sting

I spy

Almost-sprung spring.

Hey, bud.

Natuzzi?

I was talking back to a TV commercial tonight. (Is that a mental illness flag?) It was a commercial for Natuzzi furniture. Contrary to my longheld belief that Natuzzi was pronounced nah-TOO-zee the voiceover was na (as in hat)-TUT (as in foot)-zee. And I just think that if you are advertising supposedly elegant, leathery furniture you should pronounce it nah-TOO-zee.

And now that I typed and retyped all those html tags in the above paragraph, I realize this was one of the millions of thoughts I have daily that should be kept to my own little self. I have a cramp in my hand and my brain.

March Madness

Dear Hank,

Six years ago tonight Dr. Elfstrand came into our room and said, "Well, maybe instead of going home, I'll just take a snooze on the cot down the hall. I think this baby wants out tonight!"

We had arrived at the hospital around 8 p.m. and Dr. Elfstrand was sure she would be able to go home, have dinner with her family, sleep, come back in the morning and get you delivered. But you, my friend, had better plans. You said, GET ME OUTTA HERE!!

I said, "No medication for me! I want this baby to torture me now so I can set my threshhold of pain relatively high in order to gauge things appropriately in the years to come."

The NCAA tournament was on TV and your dad was able to catch the score of the Wisconsin vs.Fresno State game in between contractions. He kept his eye on the machine that showed a graph of those contractions and said (as each one of them started to ease up) Theeerrre you go. He was a peaceful influence on me during the whole 5 hour event.

I will never forget the images that came to mind while I rode those crazy contractions:

the sinking of the Titanic
the tornado in The Wizard of Oz
jumper cables trying to start The Gravedigger at a Monster Truck Rally in the Metrodome
being struck by lightning (in the UTERUS!) 57 times in one night

In case you ever want to know what it's like to be in labor...that's EXACTLY what it's like.

It was awesome.

And I would do it again 8000 times because you, Hank, are SO worth it.

You are the best six year-old boy any mom and dad could ever hope to have.

Love,

Mom

This just in

Mr. Squeaker has been located.



We can all sleep easy tonight.

Jason McElwain

This story came out more than two weeks ago but I just heard about it on the radio this afternoon. Have your tissues handy.

ESPN Sports News

Snow days

Snow is beautiful. I love snow. It is one of the reasons we moved to Minnesota.

But...

Two no school snow days are enough, thank you. I'm dropping my kids off at school tomorrow no matter what. They can help the maintenance guys work on the furnace trouble that kept them home today. Let's put 'em to work, I say.

On the plus side, staying home from school and playing out in the snow all morning has induced an awesome-looking nap in one of them. She was too exhausted to remove the snowsuit.

All National Geographic all the time

I can't stop watching The Dog Whisperer. It's very clear that a lot of the dog psychology you learn about on the show applies to my kids. And it dawned on me today, as I was thinking about what a quiet, powerful force Hank's kindergarten teacher is, that Mrs. K. is The Kindergarten Whisperer. She has the calm/assertive personality that Cesar Millan talks about. I do not. I try, but I think I need to go to doggy bootcamp, or something.

And speaking of dogs, Katherine loaned me her dog's backpack to try with Peggy. Peggy is walking well on the leash but she is very anxious to trot faster. The Dog Whisperer frequently puts a backpack on an active dog for the walks, to give the dog the sense of a mission by making her work harder.

So if you see us out there you may assume that Peggy will be toting a lot of snacks for her leader -- me!

Two weeks notice

I'm putting in my two weeks notice tomorrow. I decided that I cannot be expected to continue to work full time and watch an adequate amount of high definition television. Tonight we recorded Survivor, CSI, The Office, and American Idol. We are now informed that Channel HD2 shows totally awesome Imax movies with regularity. What do you expect me to do?

I resign my duties as wife and mother to pursue television. I am going to get a Ph.D. in HDTV.

Belly dancing

My Dog Whisperer, poop scooper mentor/neighbor also informs me that belly dancers are among the lowest paid workers. As much as this news hurts, it's better to know now. I was one of the worst in the class.

Walking

I can't thank my friend Katherine enough for telling me about The Dog Whisperer. I had grown lazy with our large fenced yard and thought that I could let Peggy "get her exercise" out there without a daily walk on a leash. The Dog Whisperer has convinced me how important it is to walk her. She has an urgent need to go places fast and yesterday on the walk she whined and cried because I made her stay behind me. She wants to be the leader. My arm was so sore from holding the leash and I had doubts about how walking her regularly was going to work out for us. But it was different tonight. Tonight she was a calm and well-behaved dog. She walked by my side, just behind my knee, like she had been doing it like this every day for the last year! I can't wait to do it again tomorrow.

Son of a %$!@

I screwed up the DVR and lost our recording of tonight's two-hour episode of 24. Damn it!

I saw two movies

that are up for Oscars this year: March of the Penguins and Brokeback Mountain. Both good. I doubt if I will stay up for the whole show tonight to see what happens to Brokeback Mountain but I gotta say "Hooray" for the penguins for winning Best Documentary. Filming for months in the dead of winter in Antarctica probably leads to some kind of extra credit, though. But kudos to you penguins! And especially to you father penguins who stand out there in the blizzardy, blizzardy snow and wind to protect your children. Now -- everybody -- go hug your dad!

What are some of your favorite movies?

Mr. Bickerson's (off the top of his head and in no particular order):

Bonnie and Clyde
Nashville
The Searchers
Pee Wee's Big Adventure
Star Wars

Mine:

E.T.
Out of Africa
Matrix
Pulp Fiction
Raising Arizona
The In-Laws

Gary's new girlfriend

I guess he was jealous of my relationship with Ken. Plus, he had a Costco coupon burning a hole in his wallet.

Freaky fruit chews

Hank found a stray package of Welch's Fruit Chews and asked me if he could have them. I said he could if he would divide them with his sister, to which Hope replied No! I don't like them! Don't you remember? It's because the purple ones kind of freak me out.

Sukhasana

The opposite of writer's block

The books just keep coming. This one is pretty short, though:

It should be good

I don't get to hear many details about what happens in music class but recently Hank has volunteered information about some of the songs they are learning. Yesterday he asked me what a brain infection was and how do you get a brain infection? He said that Mrs. J taught the class a song about a man who got an infection in his brain and died. This morning I learned about Song #2: Mom, Mrs. J told us about a kid who put his finger in a stapler -- pushed it down and it went through his skin. Then he got an infection AND HE DIED!

Needless to say I am really looking forward to the spring kindergarten concert.

First book

Hank wrote and illustrated his first book yesterday.



Chapter 1

This is the
hawk that
was afraid
of heights.

Chapter 2

He saw a person.
He bumped into him.

Chapter 3

Then he went
into the sky.
Then he was afraid
so he went down.

Chapter 4

Then he went on the
sidewalk.

Chapter 5

Then he went back
into the sky.

The End

In like a lamb; a cold lamb

If the sun had shone today it would have been better. It was 40 degrees, grey and windy, and I would have loved to sit by the fireplace with my knitting while the lasagna baked in the oven but I had promised the kids a trip to the park in the afternoon. The screaming laughter on the swings more than made up for the lack of sun, though.

This is what it looks like to play in an empty, cold park on the first of March: