My pitch

I have totally awesome idea for the next great reality TV show. My latest favorite show is Kitchen Nightmares. There's nothing more entertaining than watching some dysfunctional restaurant staff scream and yell at each other while they cook terrible food in a filthy kitchen all the while being publicly humiliated by a renowned chef who later saves their restaurant from total catastrophe.

Or is there?

I propose a similar show but one where the chef comes to my house and curses at me and yells at me for serving my family Easy Mac and Pizza Rolls for supper five nights a week. He could give the audience a tour of my pantry filled with Pop-Tarts, Cheez-its, and months-old rice and flour spillage. He would yell at me some more and I would cry then he would hug me and teach me a secret recipe that could become the signature Bickerson dish, like Tamale Pie. And there would be a follow-up show where everyone could see how the new menu and signature dish had transformed our lives, made the children behave and get better grades, and saved the world from armageddon. Or something like that.

Reading list

Finishing: Cape Wind
Next up: Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life

Music and words for Christmas

Nothing like a little choir practice in the sanctuary to get you in the spirit of Christmas. This is the text of one of our songs for the Welcome Christmas concerts:

'Tis Winter Now

If you're like me and love the 15 hours/day of dark and freezing Minnesota temperatures as much as I do (read: NOT!) you might like those lyrics, too.

He's a dance machine

I don't know where he heard of it or learned how to do it but tonight our son is not only krumping, he's teaching his sister some signature Hank-krumping moves. I stopped the show when Hank instructed Hope to step on his back (while he was on all fours) and "try to do a back flip."

Help me, Jesus!

Heaven on the farm

Hank and Hope were so worried that Peggy would run away when we let her go loose on Aunt Nancy and Uncle Steve's property. This was the first time we'd taken Peggy with us on a holiday. I tried to reassure them that our anxiety-ridden canine friend would not leave our sight for more that one minute at a time, if that. They wouldn't believe me until they witnessed it with their own eyes. Peggy was in dog heaven.

People are insane

Shoppers cause 4-mile traffic jam on I-94

I'm skipping the shopping madness and knitting everyone in my family a potholder because it's the thought that counts.

Happy Thanksgiving Muchachos

Wishing everyone a Happy Turkey Day. Here's to safe traveling, limited family arguments, minor cold and flu symptoms, moist meat, and happiness in general.

I'm going to vote no

I'm going to encourage all my female friends and relatives to buy one of these outfits and then I'm going to plan a get-together where we can all lounge around looking like these nice ladies.

Christmas list

Ours includes a Wii, a sleek coffee machine, and snowboard lessons.

This afternoon I ran across the wish list of a family in our area. The mother wants sweatpants, toilet paper and laundry soap. The father wants a blanket, sweatpants and socks. The oldest daughter wants just toys for her younger siblings. The eight-year old: "Food for my family." The youngest girl wants a doll with a dress. She's six. The four-year old boy wants a toy.

Waiting for the bus in the morning

I really did not mean it that way

Gary and Peggy and I were sitting on the couch last night watching The Office. Peggy has been allowed up on the couch by me recently because it is now officially Snuggling Your Dog on the Couch Season in Minnesota and with whom does she choose to snuggle? Mr. Bickerson who, if he had his way, would not allow her on the furniture.

So there she was all cozy with her head smushed against Gary's lap when he lets out a gargantuan sneeze, scaring the crap out of her and me. Peggy looked up at him and then put her head back down.

I said, "I wonder if dogs can catch bird flu?"

"Well, I'm not a bird so she doesn't need to worry."

Me again, "I wonder if she can catch the swine flu?"

It was the only other flu I could think of at the moment.

Reaching for the sun

I wonder if flowers in Minnesota suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Almost worth a trip to Branson, MO. (Almost.)

My mom calls me frequently to inform me about various Oprah topics she thinks might benefit me: Rage-a-holics, Macaroni and Cheese-a-holics, TV-talk-show-a-holics, Poop-talk-a-holics, Bad-Parent-a-holics, etc. I always say "Thanks for letting me know, Mom. That sounds really interesting! I'll be sure to drop working on my plans to cure cancer IMMEDIATELY to see what Oprah has to say about the dangers of eating Jello right after I have my toenails removed."

But Mama knows I kid. I kid the Mama. She called me this week to inform me that THE OSMONDS! were on Oprah. It goes to show that mothers can give LOTS of unwanted advice but you better DAMN WELL pay attention so you don't miss out on the occasional golden suggestion.

I love you, Donny! You too, Mom!

Reason #5,986,402 Why I Love Watching TV

Everest: Beyond the Limit is on again. Season 2. Like all the reality shows it's more boring the second time around but one reason I like it is that I can be thankful my cough isn't as bad as theirs.

Night music

Like buttuh. Or perhaps caramel.

I went for coffee treat (or coffee candy as my friend FL likes to say) at the newly remodeled Starbucks and I found myself perusing -- once again -- the music offerings up for sale. Raising Sand looked interesting. However, since I very recently purchased a CD in a coffee shop I barely had enough money for the caffeine, so I abstained. But I did go straight to the computer when I got home and started looking around at interesting bluegrass music and decided I should tell you all about the VocalEssence CD for sale that paired the Ensemble with Monroe Crossing. If you like bluegrass and/or choral music you may or may not like a bluegrass mass. :-)

Have you had your dose of happiness yet today?

Traditional medicine

At work today a woman gave me this herbal remedy to treat my cough. It's a mix of oils that you rub on your chest if you're coughing. It comes in a much prettier package than does Vicks VapoRub. The label says it contains 1% dragon's blood so you know it's going to work.

PS: It's called Po Sum On. Which I did.

Not sick

Hope and I had been discussing potential play date candidates since Hank had a dinner date with a friend tonight. Two new friends she mentioned as contenders have been ill.

"Or I could invite [name withheld]. She's not sick. She's got bugs in her hair but she's not sick."

My immune system

Me: "So one of the ladies in my office said I should go to the doctor and get some antibiotics to end this cough that's been hanging on for more than a week."

K: "Um. Yeah it sounds pretty bad."

Me: I don't feel bad but it's just so phlegmy and stuck in there....(and I go on and on about it as I am known to do).

G: (shouting up the stairs from his basement office) "HEY WHITNEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND COUGH SOME MORE AND TAKE A PICTURE OF IT AND POST IT ON YOUR BLOG BECAUSE I WANT TO HEAR A LOT MORE ABOUT YOUR PHLEGM."

Coaching

We know very little about swimming and a friend and fellow swim team parent at the Y thinks it's odd that, not only do Gary and I not know what times our kids have in certain swim events, sometimes we don't even know what events they are swimming in. Gary was timing races all of today and I was wrangling small children who couldn't care less what was going on in the pool when they weren't in it. But I decided we should take a look at the times since it turns out Hank came in first in the 50 yd freestyle last week, unbeknownst to us. So I tried to pay attention to their times today. Hank did really well and most of all had fun with his relay buddies. Hope did great, too, and loved all the attention heaped on her and the other tiny swimmers by the older girls. They cheered like crazy.

In looking at her times, I have decided that Hope could shave off at least 30 seconds of her 1 minute, 31.22 second 25 yd. breaststroke if she would stop waving to the crowd every time she popped her head up for a breath. I'm no swimmer but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to wave to the spectators every time you breathe. That's a little bit physics and zero rocket science.

The greatest musical ever

Tomorrow we are going to see my friend's kids in another fantastic musical production and best of all? This one is free! Whoo! We have seen them in several shows. Tomorrow's is a shortened version of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat," which is among my top five (others being "Camelot," -- Richard Harris-style -- "Jesus Christ Superstar," -- Ted Neeley-style -- and apparently anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber [EXCEPT "Les Miserable" and "Cats]," plus "Pippin" -- Ben Vereen-style). Anyway, in preparation for the show tomorrow I snagged the Donny version of Joseph from the library and made the whole family watch it tonight. I had to tell the whole story over again how my good friend, Andrea and I treated ourselves to a trip to Chicago to see the show after we graduated from grad school. We loved it then and my family LOVED it tonight. How could anyone not? It might be the best convergence ever of perfect story + perfect composer + perfect Mormom DREAMBOAT/or dreamboat in general! Be your own judge:

Numbers by Hope

I'm looking forward to math in Mandarin.

My new routine

You know how when you work out fitness people advise you to mix up your routine so that you "keep the body guessing" thereby increasing your level of fitness? Well that's what I've been focusing on lately. My body keeps guessing, "Will she exercise today? No? Not yet? Today? No? Tomorrow, maybe? No? Maybe next week?"

Perceptions of a kindergartner

Me: "Do any of the kids speak Chinese to the teacher or each other?"

Hope: "No, just English. But the kids with black hair already know it."

Me: "You think?"

Hope: "But wait a minute. Something's strange. Dad has black hair but he doesn't speak Chinese. Maybe he FORGOT!"