Friday, May 05, 2006


Gary's been adamant about eating a sufficient amount of yogurt every day since he started his midlife-crisis/yoga/fitness-in-general/lets-his-wife-dye-her-hair-crazy-colors phase of life. I happened upon this post about yogurt at another site and wanted to link to it because it made me laugh my pants off. I am no prude but I feel it contains an inordinate number of f-bombs. I like to save the f-bomb for special occasions. To use it over and over like this person did lessens its effect. And I certainly don't want that to happen so I'm paraphrasing it to maintain my blog's PG-13 rating. If you want to read it in the original form you can find it at

"Is Yogurt Necessary?
I’m just about to eat a yogurt, a Dannon yogurt. The foil lid reads “Dannon: 7 Benefits.” I’m thinking, this is going to be interesting, because I’m kind of curious what the point of yogurt is. It’s 2006, do we still need yogurt? I’m not a scientist, I don’t know. So I was ready for a yogurt information session with my yogurt lid, but this is what I got:

1. Be Fit: Contains calcium which can help with weight management.
(Okay. I mean, other stuff has calcium, too, like milk and cheese and Centrum. But alright. Still, I’m skeptical about the “Be Fit” part. “Be Calcified” would be more appropriate. I’ve never seen someone who looked like they were in really good shape and thought “Man, their calcium levels must be off the charts!”)

2. Be Vital: Is a good source of protein for muscle maintenance.
(I’m starting to get the impression that yogurt is satisfied with the status quo. Everything is about maintaining, managing. And “vital”? If it said “Be Vital: Is a good source of interesting ideas and a sparkling personality that adds a lot to the group dynamic,” then maybe I’d be on board for this kind of grandiosity, but muscle maintenance? Eat a Balance Bar and read a darned book. Next!)

3. Be Comfortable: Has active cultures that help milk digestion.
(Dannon presumes I’m drinking a boat-load of milk. Also, who drinks some milk and then goes, “Oh man, I’m going to need a yogurt after all that milk”? The last thing I want after some milk is some goshdarn yogurt. AND ALSO: “Comfortable”? Dannon, stop goofing off. “After a long day of work, I can’t wait to get home and kick back with some yogurt.” Phooey on you.)

4. Be Strong: Has calcium, essential for strong bones.
(You get one calcium benefit, that’s it, and that was Benefit #1. You also only get one strenght benefit, and that was Benefit #2. We’ve got three benefits left to cover and Dannon is already goofing around and filling up space because THEY HAVE NO ANSWERS. And my bones can’t pick up anything. How about putting in some creatine for my biceps, yogurt?)

5. Be Nourished: Contains important nutrients for children’s growth.
(1. This would be a great thing to list on your new line of Baby Yogurt for Babies that comes in mashed carrot and apple sauce with cinnamon flavors. 2. Isn’t nutrients a little vague. Cigarettes probably have nutrients in them if we’re going to depend solely on semantics. I’d be willing to give this one to Dannon if they at least acted mildly aware that EVERYONE needs nutrients, not just children. But you ignore a major portion of the yogurt buying populace so darn you.)

6. Be Proactive: Provides friendly bacteria for your digestive tract.
(Again, I’m trying to give Dannon the benefit of the doubt, but out of all the possible definitions of proactive I can think of, eating friendly bacteria is not one of them. Staging a peaceful protest. Check. Asserting your clearly formulated and logically grounded opinions. Check. Eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly. Check. Consuming friendly bacteria. AM I IN CRAZY LAND WHERE EVERY WORD MEANS WHATEVER YOU WANT?)

7. Be Happy!: Is a great-tasting and satisfying part of your healthy diet.
(Oh man. OH MAN. You be happy! I don’t come over to the Dannon corporate office and beat the heck out of you. This is not a reasonable benefit of eating yogurt. And what if I want to eat a yogurt when I’m miserable, which is every time I eat a yogurt? WHAT IF YOU STOP WASTING MY TIME AND START BEING REAL FOOD?!)

Conclusion: yogurt is unnecessary."

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